


peroxide

by roboticdisposition



Series: he was always wanting [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Feelings, I HATE TAGGING FUCK, M/M, Sexuality, Smut, Unresolved Tension, he thinks its a problem, james has a house party, life goes on etc but will is a mess, okay so like will wants to snog alex, there are feelings, theres a lot of emotions to unpack, will fucks alex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-16
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-29 19:12:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17813861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roboticdisposition/pseuds/roboticdisposition
Summary: He wanted to kiss him, Will realised. It wasn’t a surprise, but it was an acceptance. Alex was too much, too intense, he made Will feel like he was bleeding when he wasn’t hurt at all.-“Think you’d be a good top,” Alex mused, his eyes lit with fire as he gave Will a once over, “Reckon you could put someone in their place right and proper.”His insides were burning, white-hot and bleeding as if he was filled with peroxide.“Don’t know about that-”“I do,” Alex said assuredly, “You could definitely make me take it.”





	peroxide

**Author's Note:**

> hi so this is part 2 of my last fic called soulless so read that first for context. thank u for being lovely on that one i hope u enjoy this one just as much x

Will should’ve known it was a mistake the minute he let George drag him out. James and Alex were leading the way while George made sure he wasn’t running off anywhere. It was blindingly obvious nothing remotely good was going to come of this.

He was a few drinks down, already starting to lose himself to the wave of the crowd, the people surrounding him; George was holding him steady, a hand around his waist - an anchor of sorts, although it didn’t stop him from drowning.

Alex was clinging to his glass, something vivid and tinted green, Will thought it should’ve had a tiny umbrella in it. He said as much, feeling his face warm with Alex’s laugh - all light and airy, careless, almost.

He touched his fingers against Will’s arm as if to steady himself, little did he know Will was already falling, in every sense of the term. He’d tried his best for everything to return to how it was, really tried; it mattered, Will thought, that was why it was so hard.

For the most part, everything had gone back to normal, he was on good terms again with James which left Will feeling lighter somehow, George was just as irritating and unaware, and Alex - Alex made sparks erupt in his bones but that didn’t matter, it couldn’t matter. So it didn’t.

But the problem was that it did, Alex with his limbs loose and smile wide as he got lost in the bass - he was just a lot to take in. Will felt his head tilt, weary but transfixed on him. Like the room was infinite but he was the only focus.

He wanted to kiss him, Will realised. It wasn’t a surprise, but it was an acceptance. Alex was too much, too intense, he made Will feel like he was bleeding when he wasn’t hurt at all.

Will untangled his body from George, batting away any arms that tried to hold him back as he pushed through bodies to get to the bar, slurring out his words as he asked for something strong, wincing as he swallowed it back before asking for another.

He shouldn’t kiss him, shouldn’t want to. Just like he shouldn’t have let Alex suck him off; it was overwhelming, the intensity threatening to crush him every time he dared to think about it.

Alex’s lips looked soft and pink and gentle, something Will couldn’t stand, but desperately desired. He looked a bit heavenly.

James found him in the end, “There you are mate, been looking for you,” he called loudly in Will’s ear.

He nodded, feeling oddly calmed by James’ smile, “Sorry, just needed a drink.”

James yelled out to the bartender for a Jack and Coke before turning back to him, “You doing alright then?”

“He’s pretty,” Will blurted out, as if it’d been simmering inside him for a while now. He was looking away, unable to face what he’d confessed, it made it easier that James knew - that James was the one who initiated this whole thing. It made it easier to blame him, Will supposed.

“Who is?” James said, noncommittally, unfazed by the male pronoun. Will realised maybe people didn’t find it as big of a deal as he had.

He couldn’t find it in him to respond, knowing James realised what he meant when he looked him in the face, Will refusing to meet his eyes.

He let his eyes wander, looking at girls in short cut dresses and heels you’d break a leg in, before admiring the lads. He was starting to realise he found them nice too, not just Alex, although he was different. They were just… nice, with holes ripped at their jeans with long shirts and lanky arms - or the ones broad with big hands.

It was just new, really. He’d never let himself look at lads before, never realised he wanted to, but his eyes kept centring back around to Alex, as if everything revolved around him. And it did lately if he was honest with himself.

“You coming with me then?” James asked, prior conversation forgotten as he gestured to where George had now taken the role of holding Alex up.

“I suppose so,” Will said quietly, knowing full well he shouldn't really, he felt drunk and reckless and desperate to feel how gentle but needy and pressing Alex’s lips would be. He called for another drink, trying to drown out his head, swallowing half before following James through the crowd, a reassuring hand tugging at Will’s wrist not to lose him.

“There you are!” Alex cheered, swinging away from George to cling onto Will instead, his arm trying to twist around his shoulders, going up on his toes to reach him better. His feet knocking into his own as they rocked. “You left me,” Alex said; Will felt dangerous.

“Didn’t go far mate, just got a drink and all,” Will said, gesturing to his drink which George quickly stole, “Oi, I bought that.”

“And I drank it,” George responded, gulping it back, “That’s what you get for leaving me here with this monster.”

“I’m not a monster George, that’s not very nice,” Alex protested, “You don’t think I’m a monster, do you Will?”

“Course not,” Will confirmed gently, he felt weak and fragile and close to snapping in two.

“That’s good,” Alex said, giving up on trying to wrap an arm around his shoulders, defaulting to his waist instead, clinging onto his t-shirt with a fist full of material to hold him up.

Will wanted to kiss him, it was burning and desperate, clawing at his throat. He couldn’t, but Alex was hazy and nice and warm and Will was drunk - he was hopeless.

He let his body sway, feet stumbling as he lost track of George, probably off to find a shag, he thought. Will realised a bit too delayed that’s what he should’ve been doing - not that he wanted to, not that it was fair… but it was normal. He couldn’t get his feet to move though, couldn’t let his hands touch someone and pretend he was alright with it. So he didn’t.

He stood, Alex in toe, losing sight of everything besides the flush of his cheeks he tended to get when he was drunk, shutting his eyes and trying to have a good time, no matter how much of a struggle that felt.

\--

He shouldn’t have drunk as much as he did, Will thought the moment he woke up, his head thumping before he’d even opened his eyes. The last thing he remembered was dragging Alex to the bar for another drink, since he wouldn’t let Will leave him alone.

It was intoxicating in itself - Alex was, nevermind the alcohol. So Will wasn’t surprised when he finally opened his eyes and discovered he felt like utter shit. Bright lights invaded his vision, a dry heavy taste thick at the back of his tongue with his stomach churning, it was not his finest hour.

“You’re awake then.”

It took Will a moment to realise the voice belonged to James, “Piss off.” He rubbed at his eyes, trying not to infuriate his head any further with any sudden movements, he eventually sat up though, feeling worse and worse as time ticked on.

“Nice to see you’re just as chirpy in the morning as always,” James sounded way too cheerful, Will just felt sick.

“Fuck you, you drank as much as me… why aren’t you lying here feeling fucked.”

James laughed, “I can hold my alcohol, unlike you, it seems.” Will gathered his bearings just enough to flip him off, before realising he wasn’t in his own flat.

“Oh,” he stumbled, trying to hold his head up properly without throwing up, “This isn’t my place, is it? You haven’t just taken it upon yourself to throw out all my furniture while I’m sleeping.”

“Nah, sadly not mate, you’re at mine-”

“Oh,” Will repeated, “Not Alex’s? Normally everyone throws me on their sofa.”

James came into view properly, holding out a glass of water which Will took gingerly, draining every last drop as soon as he got a hold on it, knowing it was going to be worse for him if he didn’t.

“Alex told me to bring you up here actually, he was as hammered as you mate,” James grinned, “George had fun unlocking the door when he was drunk and also trying to save Alex from falling over.”

Will snorted before he panicked. “Wait - Alex told you to bring me here?”

James looked confused, “Yeah? Why - uh, is that not okay?” He ran a hand through his hair as he kicked back on that oddly posh chair that Alex claimed as his the last time he was here.

“Uh, no course, thanks - just uh, did Alex say why?” Will’s voice was urging on desperate. He knew how out of control his thoughts were last night - how much he wanted to kiss him.

He worried whether anything had happened, whether Alex had enough of him, whether Alex knew what he was thinking, whether Alex knew how badly he wanted to taste his lips. He worried whether there was a reason Alex didn’t want him to stay over.

Will’s head was hazy and nothing made sense, he felt his head spin as he panicked over repercussions of what might’ve happened.

“No?” James broke him out of his ongoing train of thought, “Said something about not wanting to freak you out? I think - I’m not sure, for a thin man you’re heavy to drag around, I was a bit distracted.”

“Oh,” Will stumbled, his shoulders slouching, biting his lip between his teeth. He felt increasingly bothered as time went on as to what had happened, Alex was clinging to him all night, why did he suddenly want him to fuck off.

Maybe it wasn’t like that, Will tried to reason, but he was drunk - hungover now really, and disturbed over his head. He felt unsettled and confused over nothing - his head running away with itself before he even had the chance to stop it.

“Uh - What’s going on with you and him then,” James said gently.

“Nothing.” Will snapped, before letting his shoulders drop, giving in, “I don’t know.”

“Did you want to stay over at his, have a shag or something, is that what this is-”

“No - just… you don’t think I did something stupid that he’s not happy with, that’s not why I’m here, is it?” Will asked, fidgeting in his place, hating that he let himself get so blackout drunk over his urge to kiss him that he couldn’t remember what he actually did instead. It made him squirm.

James furrowed his eyebrows, “Like what? All I saw was you dancing - which by the way, was absolutely tragic - you had some drinks? You didn’t punch the man, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

Will sighed, holding his head between his palms, “I didn't kiss him, did I?” He eventually spat out, feeling mortified with every second that ticked by in silence.

“No,” James whispered eventually, sounding like a roar in Will’s ears, “Not that I saw.”

“Okay,” Will breathed, unsure whether to believe him or not.

They hadn’t spoken about anything since that morning where Will’s world caved in. He hadn’t mentioned it, hoping that ignoring it would make it go away, and James didn’t exactly bring it up either, so it went unsaid.

But although it was never directly conversed, Will was completely aware James knew everything. It scared him, sometimes.

He caught the sly looks out of the corner of his eye, the way James looked at them together now. He felt reassured that someone knew in a way, glad that he didn’t have a bottle of feelings trapped in his chest, but it didn’t make it better. He felt nervous, on edge and confused - really fucking terrified, if he was honest.

“Have you then?” James asked gently, as if not wanting to scare him, like he was a deer about to get shot, “Kissed him, that is?”

“No-”

“Sounds like maybe you want to-”

“Fuck off,” Will whispered without any heat, “I don’t.” Despite the fact he did.

“You want him though,” James said, he wasn’t asking. “I thought we established that mate.”

Will felt cornered but ready to run, he nodded weakly, unable to open his mouth, let alone find words.

“Thought you were gonna shag him mate, get all the pent up tension out the way-”

“He sucked me off,” Will breathed out, voice shaky and scared, “The other day, that’s all.”

“Oh,” James whispered, matching his tone, “You alright?”

“Not really.” Will felt like crying, he didn’t want to face any of this, he just wished it’d leave him alone. “You’re sure I didn’t kiss him?”

“Promise,” James said, as if he understood, Will didn’t know if he did, he didn’t know if he had to.

“But he said to you he didn’t want me to freak out? What’s that mean?”

“Don’t know if I’m honest mate, he was drunk, maybe he didn’t even know,” James hummed, “Maybe you should talk to him.”

It sounded so simple, but it felt like so much more, everything with Alex did lately. His words were bouncing around his head - the whole ‘if you ever wanna try something - I’m here’. It was too much.

Will knew Alex didn’t understand the effect of his words, that was vitally clear throughout the way the last week simply went back to normal, as if Will wasn’t at wit's end over wanting to bum his mate, and over that being an opportunity he could just ask for.

It was like every time Will spoke to him, it plagued the back of his head, constant and demanding. It felt dangerous, everything laid out on the table, seemingly so easy for Alex to just offer when it was tearing Will apart from the inside out.

“Just ask him what happened last night - or something,” James said, breaking Will out of his head. “He’ll tell you if something's bugging him, you know what he’s like.”

Will nodded, feeling like his body wasn’t his own. He picked up his phone before he could make any excuses, feeling numb but wired as he typed.

Will: ‘did anything happen last night? can’t really remember x’

“This okay?” Will held his phone out for James to check, uneasy and small.

“Course?” James said, confused, “He is just the same Alex you know, nothing’s changed-”

“I’d argue otherwise mate,” Will sighed, his whole body screaming at him that nothing would ever be the same again, it was tiring, really.

“You’ll get there,” James said softly, a steady voice of reason that Will didn’t know he needed.

Alex messaged back almost immediately, Will felt his body jolt as his fingers clung to his phone.

Alex: ‘besides getting drunk as fuck, i don’t think so’

Alex: ‘you doing okay’

Will let himself breathe for what felt like the first time since he woke up.

“What’s he say then?”

“Nothing happened,” Will found himself choking out, able to feel his limbs again and the dull ache that coincided with Alex, “Nothing happened.” He repeated, trying to reassure himself, more than anything.

“That’s good, yeah?” James looked gentle, Will thought when he finally looked up, coaxing even.

“Yeah.” Will tucked his knees up, feeling ripped open.

He felt vulnerable, like he was an intruder in his own head with no control over his thoughts. He didn’t like it. It felt heavy.

He felt mental, fucked beyond comprehension, working himself up over something of nothing, as always. Will wished he could snap out of it, just deal with fancying him and get over himself. Maybe he was making it worse, keep going over everything like a streaming mantra.

Will: ‘as good as i can be mate. you okay too?’

Maybe he didn’t need to understand everything going on in his head, maybe the thickness clawing at his throat said it for him. He didn’t know how to accept it - didn’t know if he had to.

Alex: ‘yeah same’

Alex: ‘shouldn’t have had so many though, got to film today’

Will: ‘good luck with that man, never gonna end well that is’

“You alright then mate,” James made Will’s head snap up, dizzy from the motion along with the weight of Alex pulling down on his chest.

Will nodded, “Yeah,” He let his phone drop on the cushions next to him, “Sorry - just a lot, you know.”

“Course, good to get it out though-”

“Yeah, thank you for that, all this really,” Will interrupted softly.

“Think of it as payback for me accidentally fucking with your head and causing this mess - least I can do is help you with what I’ve caused,” James chuckled, sounding slightly guilty.

“Nah mate, would’ve realised it at some point - you just helped me along, as you said.” Will felt defeated, by his feelings, by his head, by Alex, even.

James hummed. Will didn’t know what he was doing. Didn’t really know if he ever would, the way things were going. He just hoped it would be okay - that he could work it all out eventually.

\--

He found himself downstairs with Alex a little while later, it wasn’t how Will thought the day was going to go, but he couldn’t deny it was preferable to his plans of fucking around his flat.

Although it did mean he had to confront the mountain of feelings in his chest - but he overlooked that for now. Alex phoned a little while after Will had gotten back to his flat, desperate for video ideas, he managed to suggest a look through his tinder, because he hated himself, clearly.

Alex leapt on the idea since Will still hadn’t gone through his messages from when George fucked with it a few weeks back for a video they never filmed. So in the end, Alex claimed the messages from George were from him and they got to work. And despite the fact they were both getting over the night before, it was going okay.

Although there was almost a buzzing tension Will couldn’t shake off, it wasn’t a new sensation all things considered, but it felt thicker and intimidating somehow. Will couldn’t help but feel like he’d fucked it up, despite the fact that Alex had cleared it all up when he got down there and established they were all good and nothing happened the night before, besides the usual.

It just felt off, that was all. It made Will’s stomach clench.

“You a virgin?” Alex read out, trying to sound like the gruff older man he was imitating.

“Yes -” Will stopped reading the message, laughing before turning to Alex, “You called the poor man daddy!”

“I didn’t,” Alex protested, “Technically, you called him daddy-”

“I am not having that,” Will snorted, “You’re a monster.”

Alex laughed, trailing off, “Thought we’d established last night I wasn’t a monster.”

Will felt his lungs drop, “And now I’m changing my mind-”

“George still thinks I am,” Alex interrupted, “He was not happy with dragging me to bed last night.”

Will laughed, feeling all a bit false, “Maybe we should cut that,” He suggested gently, feeling uncertain and unsteady.

“Probably,” Alex breathed out, turning away from Will to scroll through more messages. They went through a couple - Alex happily taking the blame for all of George’s messages, laughing when he said Will was punching for half these poor girls, feeling a jolt through him every time Alex called someone fit.

All things considered, Will wasn’t having a breakdown.

“Can I call you daddy?” Will sighed, exasperated, looking away from his phone “Why do you have a daddy kink fella, what has happened to you-”

“And as we’ve established, you’re the one messaging it, so maybe you’re the one with the kink here,” Alex smirked, seemingly proud of himself.

Will softened, knowing this wouldn’t make it in, “Well - George wrote it really, if anyone he’s the one with the fucking daddy obsession.”

Alex laughed, rubbing his eyes, “To be fair, we’re the ones who watched daddy porn.”

Will was floating, feeling completely untethered to reality, “That was your porn mate, don’t blame that on me.”

“You didn’t object,” Alex quirked an eyebrow, “Sure you don’t-”

“No.” Will coughed, “I don’t, please mate,” he said, not above begging. “You, however…”

Alex just laughed, as if nothing bothered him at all, as if that was just something he could joke about - having a daddy kink. Will was suffocating.

The pent up strain in the air was dragging him down, remembering what had happened between them only left Will with a headache - it was just too much, everything with him was too much. It went unspoken that they were both remembering Alex’s words from the morning after, that much was evident through the sly look Alex was sporting.

Will should never have come down here really, not when he still felt fucked and reckless, although now he at least had the added bonus of his morality now that the alcohol was starting to leave his system. It was still never going to end well.

“We cutting that bit too?” Alex hummed, “Well - course we are, silly question.”

“Sorry,” Will muttered, words cutting through the cloudy atmosphere that was enclosing fast.

“Nah, you’re alright - George’s fault really, he sent the messages.” Alex shuffled, checking his camera, “Next one then? Ready?”

Will nodded, trying to shake his head and forget about it, but he couldn't. It was like, every other minute they were saying something inappropriate - not even naughty, just things Will knew he shouldn’t be saying and things that Alex was too tired to drop.

It was the third time Alex - well, George, called someone daddy - a girl this time, making a change, when Will snapped. The taut rope keeping him upright broke and he was collapsing without even moving.

“Can we just… skip the daddy ones?” Will murmured harshly, knowing it wasn’t Alex’s fault, it was his own. He was utterly hopeless at trying to make things normal, he knew that he wasn’t helping himself, but it was like he couldn’t control it.

“Why?” Alex asked, turning to face him, “It’s not actually like you have a daddy kink, unless there’s something you’re not telling me-”

“Alex mate, I don’t,” Will sighed, struggling to find the words, or air, “Just remembering the porn, alright?” He tried to blame, knowing he couldn’t explain that he couldn’t stop thinking of Alex watching it, getting off thinking about Alex getting off over it - he was helpless.

“Ah, mister WillNE doesn’t want a hard on over daddy porn memories while filming - I get you,” Alex smirked, running a hand through his hair, leaning backwards. He looked half-asleep, a bit dazed behind the eyes, but gorgeous. It wasn’t okay.

“Fuck you,” Will sat forward, “It’s just - I… I don’t know.”

“No, sorry.” Alex said softer, “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.” He put a hand on his thigh, it made it worse.

Will knew he was fucking it up - it was his fault. He didn’t know what to do, he kept thinking everything would go back to normal, but everything was playing over in his head like a broken record. Alex’s mouth, his giant saucer eyes, the fucking porn, the offer for more, the fact Will wanted to kiss him. It surrounded him like an army.

“You alright?” Alex whispered after a while, as if the tension had finally gotten to him too. Maybe Will was just imagining it.

“Perfect,” Will sat up, crossing a knee under his leg, feeling fidgety with Alex’s touch, “I’m great.”

They sat there a minute, silence heavy and demanding. Alex’s palm fell away eventually, helping Will breathe again. He should never have come round, never should’ve wanted to kiss him, never should’ve considered let alone agreed to Alex’s gay experiment, as he called it, never should’ve let anything escalate. He should make things go back to how they were, but he was fighting a losing battle.

“Shall we finish up filming?” Alex asked in the end.

“Nah come on, you need your ten minutes,” Will fought himself to smile, meeting Alex’s eyes with a warmth that felt deadly.

“Fuck off,” Alex sat up, checking the framing before picking up the phone again.

They went through three more, Will laughing with unease as each one went by, time dragging slower than should’ve been possible before Alex piped up again.

“Any of these lads you fancy then?”

Will spluttered, “Because tinder is definitely the place to explore my sexuality-”

“I’ve used it before, nice lads there really,” he said, continually scrolling.

“I - uh… I think I’m good, thanks mate.”

Alex hummed, “No one you found fit though?”

“I wasn’t looking,” Will sounded weak even to his own ears, “Not sure anyone would go for me regardless considering we yelled at half of the poor blokes and the rest think I’m a prostitute thanks to my bio.”

“Course they would,” Alex said, sounding far too convincing. Will couldn’t deal with it.

“That it then mate? Video done?”

“Yeah should be, I’ll try and edit later or something… thank you though.” Alex looked up smiling.

Will patted him on the shoulder - very manly, he thought - before he stood up, “Happy to help, hope there’s enough footage with all the cuts.”

“There will be, I’ll make it work - thanks.”

Will hummed, feeling better away from Alex and the camera, it felt weighted and he felt restless. He paced around the kitchen, making small talk with Alex that he was never going to remember in a few hours.

He should go, the thought pressed at the back of his head, he should never have really come in the first place, but he couldn’t help it that time, Alex was stuck and Will needed to help. But now he should go before he let himself get buried in the pressure of it all.

“I should uh… I have to go shopping,” Will eventually stuttered when Alex stopped talking, his face immediately dropping from where he just entered the kitchen.

“What? Uh - why don’t I come with you, later on instead… hang around for a bit will you?” Will was about to go get his shoes back on but Alex’s face looked like he’d slapped him; his chest hurt.

“I’ve got no food in mate,” Will tried to argue, his shoulders caving with every second that passed, “Tesco will be busy later, don’t make me go in rush hour.”

“But,” Alex started to protest, trailing off, stepping forward making Will feel caged, “But you just got here.”

“I’ve been here ages me,” Will defended, “Time’s just flown for you since you’ve had so much fun and all that - right crack, I am.”

“Yeah,” Alex agreed, making Will frown, he wasn’t supposed to agree. “Stay a bit longer though, I can get lunch?”

Will felt his resolve breaking, he didn’t know if he physically could remain here, with Alex, and remain sane. But he also couldn’t quite deal with the way he was currently looking at him. His eyes were soft and gooey in the middle, his arms were loose at his sides as if he wanted to reach out - Will wanted him to, but it was a good thing Alex didn’t.

He was pretty. That was it.

“You’ve got no food in either mate,” Will said, already defeated.

“I’ll order in, please.” Alex pleaded. Will was always going to stay, in the end.

“As long as you’re paying.”

Alex beamed - physically beamed, as if the fucking sunshine manifested in his teeth, “Course.” He stepped closer, Will wanted to escape, he didn’t know what had gotten into him, but he felt twitchy every time Alex was near him. It wasn’t healthy, he knew that much.

But Alex was pretty, and pleading, and Will didn’t have enough strength to say no, when he always wanted to say yes.

\--

“You’re a dick,” George muttered, expressionless.

It was a few hours later, hangovers had left them alone - or Will’s had, at least. Alex still seemed out of it, and George had roped them into a video.

Will pouted, protested, did all he could but George suckered him in, using Alex as leverage, who eagerly took part, sitting in his spot ready. And when Alex told him to give up and sit down, he did. So that was that.

George made him change into another top so it would look like him and Alex filmed on separate days - because apparently, that mattered now. Will was wearing one of Alex’s tops, plain black, long sleeves - nothing to it really.

Besides the fact it was Alex’s.

Will’s head was fucked, that was the problem. It wasn’t even that he would’ve been able to tell it was his shirt if he hadn’t handed it to him explicitly telling him so. It didn’t even smell good - dusty, even. But it was his. It fucked with his head, he didn’t like it.

He couldn’t deny he wasn’t too sure what they were filming - something to do with groups on Facebook, it was clear George and Alex were carrying the video, Will cutting in at points to mock the odd old hetero man.

But it was stilted - George knew it was stilted, Will was absolutely aware of that fact, and Alex was too out of it to notice. George had already called them up on it once, asking what the matter was, Alex fumbled through an answer of being tired which they all knew was bullshit, but they carried on regardless.

The jokes were off, the seating felt awkward, the camera flashing felt like some sort of ticking time bomb. George was fidgeting and Will didn’t know how to make it better.

“I’m not a dick,” Alex protested heavily, “Steve from Lancaster is the dick here, isn’t he, Will?”

“Yeah,” Will mindlessly agreed, “Fuck Steve from Lancaster.” He nodded vehemently.

George sighed, pained irritation seeping through his tone, scrolling through the rest of Steve from Lancaster’s recent posts, finding one where it said ‘Free Room. Girl wanted. Blowjobs as payment”

“Bit forward,” Will snorted, “‘Girl wanted’ sounds like a fucking criminal poster. Nevermind the blowjobs for payment.”

“I mean - I’d like a free room,” Alex laughed, “Nothing wrong with that-”

“You earn enough to afford your own room,” George muttered, obviously a bit fucked off. “You don’t need to use blowjobs as currency.”

“Now that’s a world I want to live in,” Alex grinned, proud of himself. Will couldn’t believe he fancied him. The world was going mad.

“A drop of cum as a penny-” Will joined in, unable to help himself really, “Alex is onto something here.”

“Thank you Will,” Alex nodded at him, smiling teeth and all, “See George, Will supports me.”

George snapped, “Can you both fuck off,” He put his head between his hands, Will frowned.

“Why-” Alex got there first.

“Because you’re both acting weird and I don’t like it.”

Will felt his chest drop, he didn’t want to make things fucked between anyone, “We’re not-”

“You are.” George looked up at him, looking defeated, “It’s all this and that and… I don’t know what’s going on but I don’t like it.”

“You said that,” Alex said weakly.

“Just, whatever is going on, fucking fix it.”

“I should go,” Will said at the same time, his body aching, feeling like he was the kryptonite that ruined everything. He didn’t want to have feelings, or any desire to bum his mate. He definitely didn’t want to fuck up his friends as well, or drag them into his bullshit.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

“No, please.” Alex blurted out. Will didn’t understand.

George just sat back, video forgotten as he pulled off his bandana and lazily pulled out his phone.

Will stood up, his bones feeling heavy and his stomach dropping. He felt everything and nothing all at once. He just needed to get out of there.

“I need to get food, I have no food in,” Will said, trying to step out of George’s filming area without crushing anything important.

“But-”

“No, I should go.” Will convinced himself. He didn’t want to, but he had to. Alex couldn’t keep asking him to stay and expect Will to remain healthy and sane. It wasn’t going to work like that.

“Hope you’re okay mate,” George called out when Will was in the doorway, “Sorry if I was a dick, just been a long day, didn’t mean to fuck you off.”

“Nah man, should’ve gotten going ages ago, Gee will wonder where I’ve ended up after last night.” She wouldn’t, Will knew that. He texted her earlier and all, but it was a good excuse, maybe he could finally get some air.

Alex tried to get him to stay, really tried. Will didn’t understand it, he was so constantly wrapped up in a layer of tangled feelings and thoughts and everything else. He just needed to breathe and escape whatever was eating at his lungs.

“I’ll see you later,” Will said as he finally got his shoes on, only to be wrapped up by Alex. His arms curled around his waist like some sort of python. Will let his arms hang, his whole chest heaving through the contact, Alex’s head on his collar bone. It was smothering, and warm, and he desperately wanted to stay like that.

Time felt slow as he eventually dragged his arms to heave around Alex’s shoulders, refusing to pull him any closer, refusing to make it any worse. Alex breathed heavy against Will’s chest, shivery and heated.

“I need to go,” Will gritted his teeth. He wanted to kiss him. He couldn’t.

Alex pulled his arms away gently, slowly as if he didn't want it to end. Will didn’t look back as he opened the door, knowing he couldn’t look him in the eye and deal with the fallout in his own chest.

Halfway up the stairs, he was running out of breath, but at least he could breathe again. It all felt so fiery and heated and he was fucking pretty. His head was stuck on it. He was just really fucking pretty.

He got his key in his door and collapsed, determined to do something other than think of Alex, with his soft face and warm chest and oddly long limbs for someone so small.

Will just needed some space, so he wasn’t suffocating, so he didn’t feel trapped like a circus animal, so he could stop thinking about Alex’s smile. That was all.

\--

It was a week later, a Friday night. Will should’ve known nothing good happened on a Friday night - he should’ve known nothing good happened whenever Alex was in the vicinity, but he dealt with one thing at a time.

James was holding a somewhat of a housewarming party, he’d already been living there a good few weeks, but with no commitments to be sober for tomorrow, it was the perfect chance to invite everyone over.

When Will got there, it was already in full swing, the apartment full, drinks ready to be poured on the counter, bass through the speakers in the corner, but his eyes immediately focused on Alex.

He had his hair all nice, cut since he’d last seen him, messy but in a way that Will could just tell it’d taken him at least half an hour. His cheeks flushed and face smiling, he looked nice - that was all. It was a lot to take in.

“Will,” Alex slurred, catching him on his way to find James when he eventually got his feet to move from the doorway.

“Ah hey mate,” Will grinned, chest tight, “You alright?” He took him in up closer, his eyes shining and his body swaying. Will just really liked him, really fucking liked him.

“Absolutely perfect man,” Alex said, his hands animated as he pointed over to the drinks, “Come ‘n get one with me?”

Will nodded, Alex wrapping his fingers around Will’s wrist to drag him to the counter. He already felt intoxicated with nothing alcoholic in him, it was Alex, he knew that, but he didn’t want to accept it.

“What d’you want then,” Alex propped himself up with his hands, seemingly drunk already, “Lemme pour it for you.”

Will laughed, “Think you might spill it, give it here, I’ll do it-”

“You will not,” Alex pouted, yanking a bottle of something close to his chest as if Will was going to steal it, “I am being gentlemanly, now what do you want?”

Will felt sparks through his bones, “Uh - just get me a beer mate and I’m set.”

“But Will,” Alex huffed, “Lemme mix you one, proper good at that, I am.”

“Give us whatever you think then mate,” Will caved, his ribs feeling soft as if they’d turned to mush.

Will leaned back against the counter, listening to Alex hum something completely different to what was playing, a smile tugged at his lips without his consent. James came over soon enough, Alex shushed him, telling him he was concentrating.

“Right then,” James said, looking up at Will with upturned brows, “You good though anyway?”

“Great me, thanks mate-”

“Here,” Alex interrupted, nudging his elbow into Will’s side to get him to look over. Will gave a sorry look at James - he just laughed. “It’s whiskey.”

“Perfect thanks Al,” He tried to wrangle out of Alex’s way who was still nudging him, failing drastically when Alex just wrapped an arm around him instead.

His body felt awake and alive through little zaps of energy vibrating through Alex’s arm, it felt heady and sickening and Will never wanted him to move.

“‘S’it nice?” Alex mumbled into his neck, his breath warm and shivery against Will’s skin.

“Absolutely lovely that is,” Will smiled. It wasn’t great, but Alex made it, that mattered, for some reason.

Alex’s smile was bright and sparkly and made Will feel thrumming with energy that he didn’t know he had stored. Alex’s touch, his eyes, his proximity, his breath on his neck - all angles were assaulting Will and he never wanted to escape.

He should, he knew that, he always knew that. But Alex was there, it was a party, maybe just this once, he could forget about that.

\--

Alex was dragging him to the corner, fingers tight and demanding on his wrist again, contact seemingly never-ending. He was handsy when he was drunk, it wasn’t like Will didn’t know that - he’d watched him feel up George enough times, but this was different.

Will was only a drink down - the one Alex made him, but he felt as if he’d been drinking for hours. He felt his feelings manifest themselves everywhere, he felt sparks whenever Alex touched him, sweaty fingers against his shirt, it was like he was drowning when Alex smiled at him, dragging him underwater.

And when he spoke to him, in this soft voice Will was starting to realise was only directed at him, it was like he was dazed into some sort of trance.

He was pretty. It was the recurring theme that never let Will catch his breath. Heavy and demanding, he was so fucking pretty.

Will stumbled to a stop when Alex abruptly spun around, they were tucked in the corner of James’ front room, away from the noise Will felt vulnerable and small, Alex’s eyes digging holes through his skin, his hands burning.

“Have you had any more thoughts, since… you know,” Alex started, looking up at him, close with his neck tilted upwards, Will really wanted to kiss him, “Any thoughts about your sexuality?”

He had one hand on his shirt, fingers tight around his wrist, the other coming to rest on his hip so gently Will didn’t know if he’d imagined it.

“Uh…” Will stuttered, “Not particularly, just the same you know.”

“No panics or anything?” Alex asked, concern evident across his face.

“Think I’m good,” Will breathed, feeling anything but good in that moment, “Thanks mate, good friend you are.”

“Have you, you know… been with anyone else since?” Alex pressed, sounding something close to jealous, but it wasn’t.

“Nah, dry since then man,” Will tried not to sound as jittery and nervous as he felt. It was just dangerous territory, he knew where the line was, knew he shouldn’t cross it, but they were dancing very close and Will didn’t know how to pull away.

“Shame, that is,” Alex hummed, words contradicting his cheery tone. He paused a moment, before continuing, “You thought about topping? Or do you think you’re a bottom.”

Will felt his muscles seize up, as if his body was under attack - under attack by a small pretty man called Alex, “I - uh…” He stumbled, unsure if his voice even carried. “Not sure about bottoming, me-”

“Think you’d be a good top,” Alex mused, his eyes lit with fire as he gave Will a once over, “Reckon you could put someone in their place right and proper.”

His insides were burning, white-hot and bleeding as if he was filled with peroxide.

“Don’t know about that-”

“I do,” Alex said assuredly, “You could definitely make me take it.”

Will’s mouth was dry, chest heaving, “Is that something you want?”

Alex hummed, eyes locked onto Will’s as if he was setting him alight from the insides out.

He ignored him for a while, making Will feel paralyzed when words finally reached the air, “How do you know you’re definitely the top I think you are unless you try.”

“Is that something I need to know?”

Alex’s hand tightened on his hip, he shrugged, “Depends… think so.”

His whole body felt bruised, knowing the answer before he asked the question, “And how do you suppose I did that.”

“Fuck me.” His answer harsh and clear, feet stepping closer, breath casting over Will’s neck. “Fuck me,” he repeated, softer against Will’s ear, his lips brushing against his skin as the syllables escaped his mouth.

Time froze, Will’s heart was thudding, it felt silent despite people cheering and music banging. He could hear every breath Alex took, feel every pulse through his thumb as he lifted Will’s t-shirt and rubbed at his bone.

He was saturated with the heat of every look Alex gave him, swamped with desperation of what he was asking. Will knew how this ended, every inch of his bones viscerally aware, yet not a single ounce being able to say no.

“Where?”

“Come down to mine,” Alex pulled away, as if it was decided, as if it was as easy as that. Will supposed maybe it was.

\--

They were in Alex’s room, the door pressed shut as soon as Alex pulled Will through it.

“This alright?” Alex asked, pushing him back against the wood, moving his lips closer, leaning up on his toes to brush against his pulse.

Will nodded, eager but unable to speak. It was burning, his whole body like a bonfire gone wrong, spreading and out of control. Alex’s lips pressed against his neck, gentle but desperate, the softness contrasting harshly with the hand keeping him against the door.

Will knew he could move, he knew he had to be the one to push Alex onto the bed, take his jeans off and the rest, but his eyes were closed, Alex’s mouth working up to his jaw. His fingers tilting Will’s head back, letting him suck on the point where his jaw met his ear.

“You’re gonna fuck me, yeah?” Alex confirmed, sounding delicate, as if he was worried Will wasn’t going to follow through.

“Yeah,” Will agreed, feeling the weight of Alex’s body push against his; warmth spread through him, the fire shared between bodies, alive and needy.

Alex breathed heavily against his skin, Will was out of his depth, but he wanted more. He was always wanting more.

Less than a few seconds later, Will was kicking back from the door, pushing Alex back towards the bed, he followed so easily, it was devastating. He felt a rush of confidence, a fierce hunger rising through his chest, the sparkle in Alex’s eyes urging him on, “You gonna get your jeans off then?”

Alex knocked his hands off his shirt and rushed to take his jeans off, yanking them down with an urgency that Will shared. He sat back on the bed once he’d taken his jeans off, his hands twitching to touch his cock. Will felt hungry for it, starving even.

“Your turn,” Alex looked up through his lashes, Will’s heart bounced into his chest as he quickly followed, the desperate knowledge he shouldn’t do this was heavy in his head, but the reality was setting in and he needed it.

He yanked his jeans off, watching Alex watching him. It felt electric.

“Gonna take my pants off, alright?” Alex warned him, similar to before when he sucked him off, giving him chance to say no. But Will didn’t want to, he couldn’t. He watched, his tongue dry as Alex slid his boxers down his hips and onto the floor.

He felt fucking devastated, the sight of him, legs slender, his top pulled up, and his cock hard and demanding with Alex’s hand tight around it. He was devastated, destroyed, shattered into thousands of irreplaceable pieces.

Will stepped over, his feet moving without his say as he stood at the edge of the bed, shadows cast over Alex’s figure as he tugged himself off.

“Pass us the lube,” Alex hummed through a soft moan, “Second drawer down where you are, should be on the left.”

Will met Alex’s eyes, pupils dilated, his lips parted - he looked gorgeous, it shot through his head, a burning arrow of a thought. He scurried to find the bottle before he could set anything else on fire. He tossed it on the bed, his body twitching as he knew what was about to happen.

His fingers clenched into fists as Alex slid up the bed, propping himself up on pillows, a practised gentle ease to it all that made Will’s stomach lurch. “Ready?” Alex hummed, not giving him time to respond before he got himself settled.

He parted his legs, feet wide with his knees bent, his cock against his tummy as he slicked up his fingers. Will felt shaky as if he hadn’t eaten for days, his knees stuck, unable to move at the sight.

Alex slid a finger in, breathy whispered moans falling from his lips, Will had never seen anything like it. He was watching, eyes transfixed on him like he was glowing. He was at the wrong angle, stood stuck near the bedside table but he still caught Alex sliding in a second finger, the way he threw his head back gave it away.

“Did you uh…” Alex trailed off, fingers still moving, harsh and needy, “Did you want to do it?” He looked up, tilting his head back, exposing pale flushed skin down his neck.

Will felt his fingers twitch, he wanted to, so badly it felt suffocating.

“Feels good,” Alex hummed, his legs caving in as if he couldn’t keep them apart. In one motion Will’s hand shot to his knee, spreading his legs wide and open.

Will could see his fingers, his hole, the desperate flutter in his thighs as he fucked himself hard. He almost couldn’t deal with it, his head a mess, his chest feeling trapped, his ribs caved in, trapping his lungs and crushing his stomach.

“You alright?” Alex muttered, Will’s head snapping up to meet his eyes, viscerally aware of his fingers still moving in the corner of his vision. He nodded, his cheeks flushed as he watched, Alex seemingly unembarrassed, just hard and aching.

“You look-” Will started, his voice fucked and croaky, trying to squash down the words he really wanted to say, “It’s hot.” He went for instead.

“Sort of the point, really,” Alex huffed a laugh, stretching a third finger in his hole, “Sure you don’t want to do it?”

“Think I’m good,” Will stuttered now that he’d found his voice, his hand still on Alex’s knee, stabilizing in one aspect, but feeling him pulse, the jolt of each thrust, it was just a lot.

“Missing out, you are.” Alex laughed, withdrawing his fingers after what felt like a lifetime in a minute.

Will felt worlds colliding as Alex’s hole quivered with the lack of anything, he let his grip go loose against his skin, his own cock throbbing hard in response.

“Condoms are in the same drawer, yeah?” Alex encouraged him, wiping his fingers against the bedsheets as he rearranged himself.

Will nodded, finding one and bolstering enough courage to sit on the edge of the bed, neck cricked to stare at Alex, a right picture sprawled out against the cushions. His black top still on, creased against his chest, exposing skin upon skin that made Will heady.

“This alright?” Will asked this time, quiet like a whisper.

“Course,” Alex shuffled over, giving him more space, as if he expected him to crawl over and have his way with him - maybe he did.

Maybe Will should do that, maybe he should stop overthinking everything and take it for what it was, maybe it wouldn’t be catastrophic.

He lifted his hips up far enough from where he was sat on the sheets to tug his own boxers down, his cock aching and desperate, he curled his hand around himself in a half-hearted attempt to relieve some pressure. He caught Alex’s eyes staring, licking his lips making Will’s heart race.

“You sure about this?” Alex murmured, sounding sober with the intensity of it all. Will’s breath caught, he could fuck him, but he couldn’t deal with the softness in his tone, checking he was okay.

“Yeah, you?” Will spurred himself on, crawling on the bed and positioning himself between his knees. It was earth-shattering, almost. Miles of skin, flushed cheeks, eyes giant like flickering stars. Will almost needed it to be harsh, desperate, just to get his head to leave him alone.

“Just don’t want you to regret it, that’s all.”

The soft voice; Will felt himself begin to crumble.

“I won’t, please.” Will found himself rushing out, his eyes glazing over as he kneeled in front of him, legs still spread, hole stretched ready. He was always wanting more. “You’re okay?”

“Yeah, please.” Alex found his voice again, softness cracking with desperation seeping through, “Fuck me,” He looked him in the eye, something similar to a beg. His hands felt their way to Will’s hips, lifting his shirt to cast his fingers across his stomach before trailing down his thighs.

It was too much, too gentle, too soft. Will felt intoxicated yet his bones were bleached clean.

He reached his hands for Alex’s thighs, spreading him open again, he’d never fucked a lad, he thought momentarily before nudging closer, he’d never considered it until lately, yet it was all-consuming now.

Skin collided as Will positioned himself, unable to look anywhere else. He didn’t want to hurt him, didn’t know what he was doing, but Alex seemed convinced, and Will wanted it enough, so he pushed in.

He fucked in slowly, relishing the tight heat that shot up to his stomach, building and brewing as his cock throbbed with a heady desire.

“Slowly yeah? Alex hummed, Will felt his eyes trapped on his but he couldn’t look. Alex let his hands fall from his skin, moving to hold his legs apart, brushing against Will’s knuckles from where he was holding him. Will felt burned, he moved his hands, gripping his hips, needing the stability as he bottomed out.

His ears were echoing, he couldn’t tell if the moans were from him or Alex. His legs were shaking, arms tense as he clenched his eyes shut. It was so intense, so fucking heavy and the air was thick and still.

“Alright?” Alex breathed, “You can move.”

Will pulled out slowly, snapping his hips back in, trying to build up a semblance of rhythm despite it causing his limbs to crack and the earth to fall apart. He was breathless, shaking as he fucked into him, Alex was tight and hot and his skin was soft against his fingers.

Skin slapped together, Alex’s fingers found Will’s hips, pulling him in hard, “Make me take it, go on, please,” Alex pleaded, throwing his head back against the pillow, body shuddering every time Will pushed in.

Will felt helpless, he fucked in hard, his fingers bruising against bone, Alex’s knees tucked up against his chest as Will fucked him. The ground was falling beneath him, Alex was poison and he never wanted to stop drinking. He was so hard, so close, cursing under his breath as he tried to pull Alex impossibly closer.

“Fuck me, hard,” Alex repeated, almost like a chant, moaning through gritted teeth as Will obliged, his head a long lost memory with the potent desire stirring through him instead. It was soul destroying.

Alex’s hands were so gentle, coaxing against his skin as he pulled him in, a complete contrast to the way he was grinding down dirty against him, his muscles pulsing with every motion.

Will came first, swearing hard under his breath as he fucked Alex rough, it was devastating, pulses running through his limbs as he slowed down, he felt electric, as if his body had been set on fire with Alex being the match that ignited him.

He heard Alex moan, jarring but gentle, he felt his hands twist in his hair, stroking the strands as he came down from it. He really fucking wanted to kiss him, bury his head in his neck, trail his lips up his jaw and catch his mouth with his own.

Instead, he let his hips roll to a stop, his eyes clenched shut, awfully reminiscent of last time when Alex had to coax him out of it. His fingers were tight on Alex’s hips, feeling stuck as though they’d been glued down, bruises and nail indents painted on.

Alex’s hands were still in his hair, both of them combing through it so softly it made his head hurt. He let himself pull out, his eyes opening to deal with the condom before falling back on his knees, Alex leaning forward to keep his hands against his hair, it was so much.

His hands eventually fell away, one trailing down his neck before dropping to the sheets. Will felt broken, fucking him was one thing, soft touches were another.

Time passed slowly, Will felt frozen, but Alex eventually trailed a hand to his own cock, neglected and red at the tip. He started wanking himself off slowly, shuffling against the pillows with light breathy moans filling the air.

Will’s eyes were stuck, Alex wasn’t looking at him, so he took the moment to look at his face. His eyes wide and blown out, lips parted as shivery breaths fell through them, he was a picture - a painting that Will could never imagine being real.

He watched him for a while, his hand speeding up, thumbing at the slit where he was leaking. Will wanted to replace his hand with his own, feel him spill over his knuckles as he came, he desperately wanted to. A flicker of thought crossed through his head, asking what was stopping him.

He liked him, he fancied him, he wanted to kiss him, make him breathless, he wanted him like this, hard and soft, he wanted more than they had, more than he could offer, more than he thought he was in for. But for a single moment, none of that really mattered, Alex was all he could think about, not just then, but always.

He was like a drug that Will could never get enough of, damaging his veins bit by bit until he had nothing left. He was always wanting another fix.

“Can I?” Will asked, words barely audible.

Alex stopped still, his breath frozen, stuck in his throat as he took in Will’s words, he nodded slowly, opening his mouth to say something but falling short.

Will just needed this, one thing, then he could crumble. It was always Alex making him feel good - Alex sucking him off, Alex letting him fuck him, he wanted to see him come more than he wanted to breathe.

His hand didn’t feel his own when he replaced Alex’s on his cock, stroking him up and down trying to get used to the feel of him. He’d never touched another blokes cock, it flicked through his head, the thought gone before he could bring himself to care.

Alex looked a state, like an earthquake had shaken him to the core, thoroughly fucked out against the sheets. Will’s hand was shaking.

“Fuck yourself,” Will said, breaking the air with his words, “ Fuck yourself with your fingers.”

Alex’s eyes were wide and confused, Will opened his mouth to explain himself, but before he could find any words Alex’s hands were grasping at the sheets, finding the lube and slicking up two fingers.

Will felt the weight crush him when Alex slid two fingers in, tearing out a raspy moan as he fucked himself hard. He wanked him off hard, his thumb catching on the tip, pretending there was nothing different about this than when he got off himself, yet the reality was that everything was different.

It didn’t take long for Alex to come, his neck long with his head tucked back, his heels digging into the sheets as Will stroked him through it, white spurts falling across his hand. Will felt heavy, his bones dragging as his hand fell away, he held it on his leg, stuck replaying the gorgeous sounds he made, the ones that threatened to rip him apart.

“Was that okay?” Will whispered, trying to distract from the devastation surrounding him.

Alex smiled, dazed, “Perfect.”

Will’s heart felt like it’d been clawed out of his chest, he weakly smiled back, his shoulders slouching. “Gonna get a towel.”

Alex nodded, Will giving himself a moment to stand up on shaky feet, pulling his boxers back on before heading the bathroom, propping himself up against the basin as his head spun, his fingers going white with how tightly he was gripping the ceramic.

He washed his hands, then his face, then debated his body, as if he could simply wash away what had happened. He grabbed a towel, wetting the end and sorting himself out before heading back in to see Alex.

His eyes were shut; he looked heavenly. It wasn’t okay, Will felt his breath caught in his throat, the intake loud enough to make Alex aware of his presence. He smiled, gooey behind the eyes.

“Here you go,” Will said gently, as if everything would disintegrate if he spoke any louder. He passed him the towel, watching Alex’s slow movements as he wiped himself up, feeling something oddly similar to love stirring deep in his stomach.

He threw it on the floor when he’d finished, “Pass us some pants, will you?” Alex hummed sleepily, “Thanks mate.”

Will was eager to take the opportunity to turn away, knowing the desire to run his lips across his skin was bubbling up inside him. He scuttled around Alex’s drawers, finding him some clothes and handing them over, feeling burned where their fingers touched.

“Can I - uh,” Alex started, turning over on his side to face Will, “Can I have your hoodie?”

Will felt as if his body was rotting and something poisonous had taken root inside of him, “Don’t think I brought one,” he whispered, looking anywhere but Alex’s eyes, “‘Coz of the party, I didn’t think I’d need one-”

“You left one here the other day,” Alex met his tone, gentle but tinged with something more, something Will couldn’t think about, “It’s in the living room… I haven’t worn it, just - it’s cold.”

Will was shaking, body caving in as he nodded. He didn’t know anything anymore, other than the boy in front of his eyes was taking him apart bit by bit until soon enough there’d be nothing left. He met Alex’s eyes before he headed to find the jumper, feeling a flash of a spark before turning away again.

He tried to compose himself, stop himself falling off the edge before he handed his jumper over. It was never going to work. He was still torn into fragments all the same when Alex pulled his hoodie over his head. The hood still pulled up, masking his messy hair and emphasising the sheen in his face.

“Come here,” Alex whispered, shuffling over and gesturing to the space next to him.

Will should’ve left, said something, done anything - instead he sat down, letting Alex’s hands pull on his shoulders until he was lying flat beside him.

“Are you okay?” Alex asked, hands still touching over Will’s shirt, comforting him, in a way.

Will nodded, looking at the loose strings hanging from the neck of the hoodie, “Yeah,” he couldn’t look him in the eye, “Thanks.”

“Better reaction than last time,” Alex tried to joke, Will huffing a short laugh in response.

He wanted to say so many things, about how last time was still ripping him to shreds and how this time would be even worse. He wanted to curl up and never let Alex take his clothes off, he wanted to stay here and hide from the world and his head and everything he couldn’t face. He wanted so much. So much he couldn’t have.

Silence lay thick, Alex’s eyes trained on his, his focus sharp but sleepy. Will steadied his breathing, letting his muscles collapse against the mattress. It was like the world was falling in front of his eyes.

“Was it good?” Alex hummed, sounding small, assisted by the way he tucked his knees to his chest.

“Course,” Will agreed, the stars burning, exploding at his fingertips.

Alex hummed, happy with his answer, his hands falling across Will’s chest, resting against the sheets, fingers long and dainty.

“Definitely think you’re a top,” Alex mused, voice trailing off. Before Will could respond, his eyelashes were fluttering and his eyes were shutting and his arms were beginning to go limp where they were reached out towards him.

A black hole opened up in his chest, draining the life out of him. He had nothing left, eventually staring at Alex, gorgeous and doped with sleep. Will wanted to feel his cheeks against his palms, lips against his own, foreheads pressed together, breathing in each other's air.

He was always wanting, wanting things he couldn’t have, things that would never be his.

Will looked at him, heart racing as he took in his features. It was love aligned in his chest, strong and heady - intoxicating. Alex was a drug, he couldn’t get enough.

Will fought the instinct to run for long enough, a pulse thudding in his ears as he climbed off the bed. Alex’s fingers reached out to him as he moved, stretching across his pillow, like he knew Will was leaving without being awake to see.

Will curled his half of the duvet over Alex, risking the chance it would rouse him for the added warmth he’d get. He heard Alex sigh, content with his arms outstretched. Will wanted everything, he couldn’t have any of it.

He paced to the doorway, struggling to keep his organs from spilling out across the floor as he went. It was like time had frozen, everything feeling frosty but burning, he couldn’t take anymore. Will took one last look at Alex’s sleeping figure, a million thoughts running through his head as he pulled the door closed.

\--

“I know you’re in there you dickhead,” George yelled, pounding at Will’s door.

He was sprawled out on the sofa, blanket halfheartedly tucked around his hips, eyes a bit red and puffy - moping, really. It’d been a few days and he felt like a bear gone into fucking hibernation.

Will hadn’t left the house, getting Gee to get shopping in for him, spending half his time fucking around trying to figure out what his plans were for the year, and the other half thinking of Alex.

He tried to glue himself back together after they had sex and he ran off, but it wasn’t working. Maybe he just wasn’t trying hard enough.

“Come on mate,” George said quieter, “Just want to have a chat, this is getting ridiculous.”

It was the third day George had come knocking, and the third day he’d done nothing about it. He didn’t want to block him out, he just didn’t want to confront what had happened. He was drowning without a lifeguard.

“Please,” George said, oddly soft considering his usual tone, “I’m worried mate.”

Will sighed, fingers twitching as he rubbed his eyes. He didn’t want to move, but he did in the end. His feet stomped to the door, clinging to the blanket like it would save him from George’s onslaught.

“Oh,” George muttered when Will eventually opened the door, “Didn’t really expect you to answer.”

“I mean, you knocked for a while, suppose it’s normal to answer when the door knocks - I can close it again if you’d prefer… we can pretend this never happened.”

“Fuck off,” George near on hissed, maybe Will shouldn't have opened the door after all. He was on his way to shutting it when George slipped past him.

“Nice of you to visit,” Will muttered, feeling the energy drain out of him as George started picking up tissues and coffee stained mugs and taking them into the kitchen.

“I’m not here to be your fucking cleaner,” George argued without any heat, “You need to eat something.”

“I have eaten-”

“Something more than chocolate and fucking takeaways,” George called from where he’d ended up in the kitchen, gesturing at the boxes scattered over the counter.

Will followed him mutely, wanting to argue but refusing to bother. He watched as George put all the shit Will had left out away and shoved all the takeaway boxes by the bin to take outside.

“Make yourself some toast,” George washed his hands after cleaning the counter, “I’m not bothering if you’re not gonna help yourself.”

“I…” Will started, trailing off, he didn’t have an argument really, he just protested George’s presence, just a bit. He wondered if Alex had told him what’d happened, the panic shaking his stomach as he wondered if he knew.

“Toast,” George repeated, instructing him. Will followed, finding some bread that very well could’ve been mouldy before grabbing the butter.

George watched him, eyes tracking his movements as he ate the toast silently, traipsing into the living room when he’d finished.

“What the fuck has gotten into you then,” George eventually asked when they were collapsed against the sofa cushions, Will claiming his blanket again, tucking his feet up.

Will knew it was coming but he still felt his head thump, he didn’t know what to say, was the thing. He didn’t know how to express what was going on, hadn’t got a clue how to tell anyone that he was either desperately thinking about fancying his mate or desperately wanting to fuck him again.

He didn’t know how to find the words to express that fucking him felt like he was being consumed with a deadly poison that he couldn’t purge. Didn’t know anything, besides Alex.

He opened his mouth to say something, George’s eyes piercing and hard, an edge of concern laced in, but he couldn’t get any words out.

“It’s to do with Alex, isn’t it.”

Will winced, hearing his name, the softness but accusing nature to George’s voice - it was a lot. He just shook his head, “I’m fine.”

“Fucking bullshit man,” George sighed, poking Will’s tummy with his toe, kicking his legs out next to him, “Alex is acting the same, it’s getting ridiculous.”

Will felt sick, something heavy and thick heaving at the back of his throat, he didn’t want Alex to feel the same. He didn’t know if George just meant he was mopey and focused - he got like that sometimes, or whether Will had fucked with his head as well as his own, whether Will had hurt him, whether he regretted it.

“Sorry - I just… It’s fine, alright?” Will stuttered out.

“It’s not, you’re both acting like knobs and you need to sort yourselves out. I don’t know what’s happened but I know something’s gone on with you since that night with James. I’ve left you to it but it’s fucked mate, you’re not like this.”

“I’m fucking trying, alright George-”

“I’m not asking you to try, I’m trying to tell you that I don’t want you to be sad and fucked over - I just don’t get it. You’re not like this.” George huffed, crossing his arms, his shoulders relaxing as if he’d gotten it off his chest.

“I don’t know what you want me to say,” Will whispered, the universe falling apart, just a bit - enough for it to hurt.

“What happened-”

“I fucked him,” Will confessed, fingers tight clenched in the fabric of the blanket, eyes looking down, feeling his cheeks flush. It hurt, admitting what had happened - not what had happened, as such, but admitting this was the result of it.

It should’ve been fine. If Will hadn’t fucked it up with his head and his heart it would’ve been okay - just a shag, a really good shag. But it was so much more to him, Alex lied out, trusting and delicate - breakable, almost. That never left Will’s head, the way he reached out to him, hand on his pillow as Will ran off. It ran through him like a curse he could never forget.

“You did what now?” George spluttered.

Will couldn’t breathe, “Please, just… Don’t make it worse than it is.”

“Right,” George whispered quieter, his face twisted up in shock, Will shouldn’t have said anything, he was just making it worse, “So is that uh - is that why you’re all like this? Was it bad?”

“I’m fine,” Will repeated as if saying it would make it better - it didn’t.

George dropped it, picking up another thought, “Didn’t know you were gay.”

“Bi, I think.” Will sighed, relieved not to be talking about Alex even momentarily, “I didn’t know either, ‘til lately.”

“Oh,” George breathed out, “That’s good.”

Will snorted, “Thanks mate-”

“No, I just meant like… I don’t know.” George looked a bit horrified, as if he didn’t really expect to walk in and find out his mates fucked, which was fair really.

“You’re good,” Will murmured, “Sorry, didn’t mean to blurt it out-”

“Nah mate,” George ran a hand through his hair, “Just a shock, but uh… is this a gay - bi, crisis then?”

Will felt scared, terrified even, “It’s an Alex one.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah,” Will whispered, “Fuck-”

“You like him?” George sounded as confused as Will felt.

Will couldn’t speak, couldn’t answer, didn’t dare open his mouth again.

“Oh,” George said again, taking Will’s silence as an answer. He wasn’t wrong really.

“It’s fine.” Will defended himself, “I’m dealing with it.”

“By fucking him?” George squinted, “Does he know-”

“Not that I know of… fucking hell - can we not.” Will felt suffocated, surrounded by truths he didn’t want to tell.

George sighed, “Sorry, just confused, that’s all.”

“I’m dealing with it, promise. It’ll be fine. Nothing’s going to happen.”

“But you want it to-”

“No, please.” Will’s body was on edge, tension filling his bloodstream, “I’m dealing with it.” He said again, trying to convince himself. “It’s fine.”

“Okay.” George agreed, eyeing Will up like he was going to run, “Don’t fuck on our sofa-”

“George,” Will spluttered, “That was uncalled for.”

 

George just grinned, momentarily Will thought it might work out, maybe he could forget it, maybe now that he’d fucked him, he’d gotten it out of his system. Maybe the urge to kiss him was just him crying out, lonely and desperate. He was getting over it, that was all.

He couldn’t carry on like this, he was stumbling on the line of no return, a thin tightrope Will was clinging onto - he would fall eventually, maybe sooner rather than later, and that’d be it. Finished. He couldn’t fuck it up anymore, it was ripping him to shreds.

\--

James: ‘dunno what’s been going on with you but you were supposed to get with alex n it’d be good but youre moping’

James: ‘he wants to see you btw, says he’s scared’

James: ‘going out drinking later anyway, with uni mates, youre welcome to come to get out of your head for a bit, thought i’d offer’

Will felt his breath catch, he groaned as he rubbed at his face. He was a bit of a mess, he knew that - accepted that, even. He was trying to deal with the aftermath of having sex with Alex, he felt it was allowed.

He hadn’t left the house in nearing a week now, George made him eat and leave the sofa momentarily, but he was straight back there the next day. He supposed it was a bit sad really, that it had all ended up like this, although it wasn’t like he didn’t know it was coming.

It wasn’t like he could carry on the charade forever, Alex under the illusion he was just figuring himself out when he desperately craved more, it wasn’t fair on either of them, especially Alex. So Will knew it would come crashing down on him like this, he just didn’t consider it to be so devastating.

He couldn’t even understand why. Will knew he fancied him, but this was getting out of hand. He couldn’t think of Alex without his chest pounding, he couldn’t see his name on Twitter without desperately wanting to be part of whatever he was up to, he couldn’t even sit in his own flat without Alex invading the depths of his head.

It was intense; he felt out of control.

James’ texts made his head rush, everything swimming around hazy and shattering.

Will didn’t know whether it was better that his mates knew what was going on. He supposed it didn’t matter really, it just felt heavy, receiving texts like that. It wasn’t that he didn’t think about how Alex was reacting, because he did constantly, a never ending thought throughout his conscience.

Alex had messaged him the day after it happened, just a simple ‘hope you’re okay’ but Will couldn’t respond. He wanted to, desperately so. His fingers just couldn’t form the words.

There’d been more messages since, ranging from Alex wanting his opinion on a video, to asking if he went too far, to worrying Will was malnourished after George visited - every single word he received made Will’s body ache.

He really fucking liked him. He wanted to see him, wanted to explain himself and why he ran out and why he was avoiding him, but nothing felt right. He couldn’t get himself to do anything.

Will made sure George let him know he was okay and he did nothing wrong and everything, but from Alex’s texts, the message didn’t seem to get across.

His head was shot - all over the place, a bit like a detonated bomb really.

It was just that, he didn’t know how to go about anything. First, it was George knocking at the door, then Alex at the end of the phone, and now James. And it wasn’t like he didn’t want to deal with it - he did, he just didn’t know how to go about it.

Maybe seeing James and his random uni mates would be good for him, he thought, feeling his body tense at the idea. If he was leaving the house it should really be to go and see Alex, especially after James’ text.

He didn’t want to fuck Alex up, didn’t want to make him mopey or feel like things were weird. That was why he couldn’t do this, it was too much and he couldn’t begin to deal with it, Alex surely didn’t sign up for this either.

He just wanted it to be okay.

Will: ‘where u heading’

He got a response immediately; he had to at least try and deal with it and move past everything so he could look Alex in the face without feeling his ribs cave in. Maybe this was the first step - a night out with the lads.

James: ‘rum and sugar, we’re heading out now so come along whenever’

Will sighed, dragging himself to his feet, emotions weighing heavy on his spine like it was going to break. He got changed, found his keys, tucked his phone and wallet away, and headed out the door.

He hated the tension of possibly running into Alex, his body keyed up as he left the lifts, only letting himself breathe when he got in the taxi.

It felt good when he got out the car - the air pumping a new bout of energy into him. He could do this, have a good night out, shove a couple drinks down him, and tomorrow he’d start again.

Will headed in with heavy feet, shoulders back, chest loose; it was good. Then his eyes cast to the right in an attempt to spot James and his mates, instead laying his eyes on the back of an oversized bright fuck off pink hoodie, the fluffy styled hair on top looking far too familiar.

Venom shot through Will’s limbs - warm and inviting, yet tinged with a harsh cut edge of everything he couldn’t have.

It was devastating, Will’s nerves pulsed as everyone moved around him, as if his world wasn’t falling to thousands of pieces before his eyes. He was frozen but he felt alive, everything he’d been avoiding positioned in front of him. It was devastating.

He wanted to go over, wrap an arm around his neck and pretend it was all okay - pretend none of this ever happened, pretend his heart wasn’t racing. But he couldn’t, not after fucking him, ignoring him and wanting him, desperately wanting him.

So he did what he appeared to be best at lately and tried to run. As he turned around he knocked into some girl with her drink, he apologised profusely, backing away gently not to cause any more harm, yet before he made it to the door, he’d apparently made enough of a scene for Alex’s eyes to snap to his.

His eyes were fierce and blazing, soft around the edges like melted lava. Will felt like he was drowning. He stumbled backwards, tripping over feet and staggering into limbs as he made his way to the door. Alex’s eyes pierced through his like they were trying to read him.

Will turned away, clenching his eyes, shaking his head - trying to get rid of the sight of Alex that only made him breathless before pushing his way out the door and into the bitter night.

“Wait - Will…”

Will’s chest tightened, the ground opened up, he kept walking, powerless to do anything else.

“Please,” He heard Alex yell, footsteps racing behind him before crashing to a stop when Alex’s hand grasped at his wrist. “Just - please.”

Will felt the blood drain out of him. Alex was warm - his hand shooting flames up his veins. He wanted to turn around, something pulsed in his chest telling him to, but he couldn’t get his neck to turn.

“Let me just… please.” Alex whispered, breath fading into smoke in the air. His neck turned; he thought he looked beautiful. He felt ripped open, bare to the skies of London.

“I - I can’t… Alex-” Will tried to protest, trying to back away, but Alex was gentle and inviting and his grip was endless against his arm.

“I just want to talk…” Alex stuttered, “We always talk, we’ve never not talked - I don’t think I can deal with you not talking to me.”

Will broke, resolve crumbling like shaky bricks. Alex looked so defeated, his breath shivering cold with flushed cheeks and drooped shoulders. He couldn’t take it. He let his feet stop, propping his shoulders against the wall, faintly hearing music stream out in the background.

Alex breathed a sigh of relief, his body curling over as he accepted Will wasn’t going anywhere. He held Will’s wrist, switching hands momentarily to tug his sleeves over his knuckles before wrapping his fingers around the fabric again, tight like a clutch.

“I’m sorry,” Alex spat out, “I’m so fucking sorry, I didn’t want any of this to hurt you, I fucked it up and I’m fucking sorry.”

The words cut through the cold like a knife. Will’s head clouded over before he could form a reply Alex started again.

“It was my idea, all of this - you didn’t sign up for me and my bullshit and the sex and whatever, you just wanted to figure yourself out and I never should’ve taken advantage of that-”

“You didn’t.” Will finally interrupted, words harsh but faded. “I wanted it,” he admitted weaker, “I wanted the sex and the bullshit and whatever else but it was so fucking much-”

“I’m sorry,” Alex whispered.

“No, not you.” Will was drowning in something inescapable, “I didn’t mean you. I just…”

“I get it.”

Will sighed, he didn’t think he did. Alex didn’t get the giant hole in his chest every time he was near him, he didn’t get how much he wanted him, how much he cared. He didn’t ‘get’ any of it. Will should explain, he supposed. But his opened mouth was coming up empty.

“I never wanted to make you run off - avoid me, even,” Alex huffed breathlessly.

“You didn’t,” Will’s heart ached, “I got scared.”

“Scared of what-”

“Scared of what I wanted.” Will felt suffocated by the cold, frost clawing at his throat, sharp nails trying to break through the skin, cutting him raw.

Alex looked at him, really looked at him. “You don’t have to be scared.”

“I - I can’t…” Will backtracked, bones bare against the bitterness surrounding him.

“Please.” Alex almost begged, his eyes pleading and his fists tucked into his jumper. “Tell me what I did wrong-”

“You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“Then why did you run?”

Will couldn’t breathe, words dancing in his throat, failing to escape his tongue. He didn’t know what to say, how to say it - how to fix anything.

“I’m sorry,” Will whispered in the end, “I’ll leave you alone-”

Alex pulled in a ragged breath, “I never wanted that - I don’t want that. Will…”

“It got too much-”

“Your sexuality?” Alex tugged on his wrist, “Me?” He stepped in his space, feet crowding against the stones, “What did I do wrong, please.”

“Nothing, you did nothing wrong, it’s just too much-”

“Was the sex bad? Did you not like it?” Will felt Alex’s breath on his neck, “Did I go too far - just, please.”

“No - it was good.” Will clenched his teeth, shivers running through his bones.

“Then why won’t you talk to me?” Alex exploded, tugging at Will’s wrist with every syllable, “Why won’t you respond to my messages, why won’t you come and beat me at Fifa like before, why won’t anyone tell me what’s going on with you… why won’t you let me in.”

“I - I’m sorry.” Will stuttered, “I don’t know how to… how to deal with this.”

“Let me help you-”

“I can’t, please Alex.” Will tried to pull away, gaze wandering against the brickwork as he let his feet untangle.

“Look at me, please.” Alex pleaded, Will meeting his eyes, feeling endless, and desperate, and wanting. Always wanting. Tears trickled down Alex’s cheeks, melding with the flushed warmth in his face. His body was shaking, wracked with something close to sobs and Will felt consumed by heartache.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry-” Will whispered, desperately trying to cling onto a semblance of reason. He couldn’t deal with it, he wrapped his arms gently around Alex’s shoulders, feeling him tug him closer with harsh elbows and joints and nails against his neck.

Alex tucked his head against Will’s shoulder. Warmth shooting down his veins while tears buried themselves in his skin. He’d ruined it, Will thought meekly. He’d ruined Alex, ruined them - he’d fucked it.

He wanted to fix it, sew him back up at the seams and hope it’d all be okay, but he didn’t know how.

“I just want to know why you left,” Alex whispered, words melting between bodies, warm and encompassing.

“I don’t know,” Will lied, he couldn’t make it any worse, couldn’t break him further with the truth, “It just got too much - the realisation, of it all.” Will’s organs were burning - heart drowning in bleach.

He wanted to say everything, how much he liked him and how pretty he looked. He wanted to scream that he wanted to fuck him, over and over until they couldn’t feel anything but each other. He wanted to tell him that he thought he was falling but didn’t dare let himself be caught.

He ached for it all.

But he couldn’t, he couldn’t make it worse. Alex was here, warm and alive and Will bled for more. He’d made him cry. He couldn’t do this anymore, couldn’t go along with it and pretend the spark in his chest wasn’t love. He pushed him away gently.

“I don’t think I can do this anymore,” Will stumbled out, Alex’s face turning into bright heated confusion, “I know I’m bi - it’s… it’s not fair on you to drag this out.”

“But-”

“I’m sure you’ve got better people to shag than me,” Will interrupted, “We were just - just an experiment, yeah?”

Alex’s eyebrows were furrowed, “You can’t just… What?”

Will’s stomach churned, “We can’t fuck again, you’re my mate.” He gritted his teeth, he needed to make this right, for a change he had to do something right. “I don’t want to ruin us over my fucking out of nowhere sexuality realisation.”

“I don’t understand,” Alex breathed out, something heavy filling the space between them.

“We’re mates, right?” Will tried not to let his voice shake, arms still draped over Alex’s shoulders.

“I mean - course…”

“Okay,” Will breathed out, “I’m sorry.” He let his eyes shut, breathing in the smell of Alex’s hairspray in an attempt to stop himself crying.

“I just…” Alex trailed off, “We’re okay, yeah? You won’t ignore me again?”

“No,” Will was quick to reassure, Alex’s nails digging into his spine, “Promise.”

They stood there, wind swirling around them like a tornado. Alex’s arms were vice tight around his waist, Will’s around Alex’s neck. His head still tucked in against his skin. Will felt his knees giving way on him, Alex supporting him to stand as the time passed slowly.

Will didn’t want any of this to end, however much he desperately wished for things to be different, he wanted Alex and it was never enough. It was always all or nothing with him, always would be. Will finally had to decide what he would do, he couldn’t make it worse, he couldn’t take it.

It was nothing, in the end. He couldn’t find the words to express himself, tell him the electricity sparking through his bones like witches spell whenever he was near. So he pulled away. He couldn’t pretend he could carry on forever.

Will couldn’t break him any more than he already had. With Alex in his arms, tears dripping against his neck, Alex’s body shaking. It was nothing, he couldn’t take anymore, it was never going to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> hi so i hope u enjoyed first off please comment and kudos etc if u want to, also there will be a part 3 i couldn't help myself, sorry xxx


End file.
